Once the book was finished, what was the final feeling like?
I felt all the emotions. There’s a feeling of relief. There’s a feeling of excitement, a feeling of anxiety — not in the work itself, but in the sense of when you created something for your own brain, are other people going to be able to digest it as well? Amid the combination of happiness, joy, ease, rest, there was a hopefulness because the process of doing this book was trying to make a dream a reality.
The dream, the thing that I got into in the medicated state with the edibles, that metaphysical state of what if my life is different? What if this is a dream? What if I could dream of a different life? The book was me trying to say these are the things that I’ve gone through my past life and hopefully in doing this book, I can create a new life.
When I asked myself what I would want this book to become, I would want it to be the beginning of the release or the reality of realizing a new life or a life without me being at my day job, a life without me having to be in the servitude of getting out other people’s dreams instead of my own.
If someone said, what do you want to do for the next existence? Keep putting out books like this. Have a platform where other people can share their dreams, their stories, and be compensated appropriately, not giving it away for free. I definitely have a vision of what I would want it to become, and I definitely want to do more in-person events when we have that opportunity to do it.
If I die tomorrow, fell out, got struck by lightning, whatever happened, I would feel a hundred, one thousand one million percent happy with the fact that I created this because it’s what I want to be remembered for.
I wrote on the last page of the book, I want my life to have meant something to someone. This book, this sharing is that. I’m done. Everything else is gravy.
I never wanted to be associated with being a creative and an artist. I didn’t think I was talented enough. I didn’t think I was going to add anything that was worthwhile. I didn’t think that anything that I had to share was going to be so much greater than what anything anyone else had to say.
The day you die isn’t the day you die. The day you die is when you stop believing in yourself. The day you stop trying. The day you believe there’s no future. And if I didn’t do this book, I would’ve died years ago. It was my rebirth. It gives me a sense of completion that nothing else, other than in my relationships or my loves, has given me.
So the book for me was the first brick — the first unforced brick. For a very long time there, I was trying to build a world with materials that weren’t of my nature and those worlds kept collapsing because they weren’t made of me. They were made of other people’s expectations. They were made of consumerism. They were made of collapsed capitalism. They whey were made of shit like that.